Social Anxiety

On the first day of high school I was so physically nervous to go that I worked myself into a small panic attack of curled-up sobbing, only solved by my mother suggesting I drink a shot glass of Soda Stream Cola Syrup. Having grown up sugar free, this blast of glucose lifted me into a place where I could hold a reasonably normal conversation with the first people I met as I walked on campus, who quickly became my close friends. So, now that I’ve solidly positioned myself as the weird kid, the rest of the story is that I spent most of my 5 years at that school coordinating people, doing a lot of public speaking and leading many initiatives. I’m no stranger to overcoming my social anxiety, and I always get through it. However, it wasn’t until recently that I realised how this is related to my impulse to facilitate. I arrived as a participant into a four day gathering of fifty new faces on a beautiful island, and suffered through my anxiety bitterly for the whole first day. My mild discomfort spiralled into endless ideas for how to hold the day differently, while I felt increasingly self conscious and struggled to contribute to any discussions at all. Talking it out at the end of the day with my patient partner (who had had a great time), I suddenly remembered every other moment I had ever felt like this and saw the pattern.

The same sensitivities that make the catharsis of people talking openly about tense topics as obvious to me as a door thrown open by the wind, are the same reasons I panic. Like a musician distressed by a guitar out of tune, my sensitivity to social dynamics can send me into a world of pain, as well as help me see the way to harmony. Perhaps this is the most personal of the “shadows”; the idea that the burdensome anxiety that I’ve always felt ashamed of, is the same thing as the powerful intuition that I feel most proud of is radically helpful. I have always punished myself for not being able to “turn off” my facilitator self and enjoy a moment in all it’s dischord. But at this recent retreat, my cold self talk melted with forgiveness. I didn’t accidentally show up in the wrong mindset and I don’t need try to stop playing a character to be authentic; I invented that facilitator character to explain and leverage my natural talent that comes with what I pay attention to. I am not reading lines I’ve written for myself to say. I am not a parody of myself. My anxiety is not trapping me in a role of controlling facilitator and preventing me from participating. I am showing up authentically even when I am overwhelmed with ideas for how to enrich the group’s experience. This is not me avoiding participation, this is my participation and I can work on more empowering ways for that to manifest itself.

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